i did something very good the other day..  well, this morning.  anyway, from about 3am 
till 5 or 6am, i completely explained to mike all i know about buddhism, old souls, self, 
karma, enlightenment, levels of conciousness, etc.  i wish i had the entire conversation 
on tape.  i could have written a really good book from it.  but, yeah, i just went on 
forever about everthing i knew.  somehow, i was able to completely expunge all the 
knowledge in my head (every bit) into mike's.  and the great part was mike was totally 
into it and getting every single word.  so, this guy came a fucking long-long-long way in 
just one night.  somehow i did feel like ive known him before.  strange.  but yeah, i 
told him everything i know in one night minus the metaphor of "everyone has been your 
mother" and actually how to meditate.  i even gave him some free philosophy courses like 
allegory of the cave, virtue and vice (breifly), etc.  it was awesome, he was into it, i 
was happy to have somebody to tell that shit to.

dad gave me my first real "...or your ass is on the street" speech today.  it wasnt that 
bad, really.  basically, he's absolutely terrified of the law and anything against the 
law (which is really sad, but ill let it slide.  he's lived this long like that, no use 
changing it now) and he realizes he cant control what i do outside the house, but since i 
still live here, i am not allowed to bring anyone or anything relating to weed to this 
house.  lol, and something really funny is my parents can tell jules is a bullshitter.  
jules actually tries so hard to impress and get on the good side of my parents when he's 
over that they dont like him at all.  in fact they dont want him over here EVER AGAIN!  
haha, i told him not to call dad pops.  ah well.  at least i never have to worry about 
bringing jules here again.  now i dont even need an excuse.

but what a predicament...  im out of a job and now i cant have anything illegal in the 
house..  so how the hell am i supposed to make money?  i guess ill just have to go to 
****'s house a lot.  damn.. i hope mike does ok with those.  i really fuckin hope he can 
bring me back that money pretty soon.  no rush..  i mean..  damn.  but all this is a good 
thing.  what needs to happen is i need to get a plan up and ready for this summer.  i 
have to spend it somewhere else.  dad agrees with me on this.  i think the best thing for 
me would be to either go to richmond or louisville (almost definitely louisville.  missy 
lives there and theres shitloads more to do in the summer there.  plus thats where lanwar 
is) and work there over the summer.  theres almost got to be tons of jobs in those 
college towns during the summer.  no doubt in richmond, almost positive in louisville.  
but how awesome would it be to finally get out of here.  maybe for good.  if i can live 
there a while, i can start taking classes at where ever (u of l, or a comm coll.) and 
just... keep on moving, ya know.  just do my own thing for a while.  i need to learn 
cantonese somewhere along the line.  wonder where i can do that...

damn, just so many things to consider today i really dont know how to feel.  i feel 
really good about helping mike out.  i mean, i could just feel how much it meant to him 
and how amazed he was.  he said he had a lucid dream like no other that night.  hope he 
sticks to it.  i bet he will, at least for a good lil while.


i heard some terrible things about amberley.  i dont guess theyre terrible, but they 
certainly gave me a start today.  kristin's at the dinner table and just starts talkin 
about how amberley's been sick recently.  i had no clue.  supposedly she has a white 
blood cell defficiency and has been having some trouble.  i guess she's ok now, kristin 
seems unphased by all of it.  i called, she wasnt there.  i wonder if i should call.  i 
mean, its getting to the point where i just call, see how she is, make sure she's doin ok 
(or try to get her to open up to me in some way, which she usually either doesnt or has 
nothing with which to do so) and then she has to go.  she says she'll call sometime.  
never does.  i think she's only called me like once in the past 2 years.  i wish i knew 
what she felt about me.  i feel pretty sure she just doesnt care for me as much any more 
(and ive begun to suspect that kristin has been laying some odd words about me to 
everyone, including amberley), but somehow there feels like theres something else there.  
just barely noticable, but undeniable.  i dont even know if she's dating brent or not.  i 
bet she is and has been for weeks now.  i bet she was before we went skiing.  she's too 
good of a girl for me to forget.  ever.

kim was kind of wierd.  i could have sworn i had a new chic.  i got so excited cuz KIM 
FUCKING RATLIFF was interested in me.  hot as balls, cute as ever (i mean, seriously, 
most lovable of 2000), i would have been happy.  but then she just blows me off the next 
day.  who knows.  she would have been fun, but i dont remember her like i do amberley.  
this is fucking rediculous.  ive not forgotten anything about that whole situation and 
its been two years (minus two and a half days or so).  that has to mean something.  i 
mean, i get over things.  i do.  im not a very weak minded person.  i can stand on my 
own.  the fact that i dont swoon over her all the time, but i can never fully put her out 
of my mind tells me something.  she's too good to just leave behind.  if i cant have her, 
i can still care about her.  but, that can cause turbulence for her.  somebody else might 
care about her, and care that i care about her.  one day, i might just have to care in 
secret and how shitty is that.  i need to tell her this.  just like i needed to tell her 
all the other things ive written in text files about this same goddamn subject for two 
years (and two and a half days).

damn this is one pathetic journal entry.  not really even worth my time to read later.  
damn...