alright.. i really do have to find something else to write about.  all my mental energies devoted to some other topic might actually be able to do some good, ya know.  i might be able to think of something worthwhile.  but for now, sue me.  i have got to figure this love thing out.  alright....  here's a big question i've always had to ponder.  is love just NOT like the movies?  like, sorry to be the one to tell you, there is no slow motion kiss scene, you better find somebody you can stand and quick cuz life is short?  or is are these movies written by romantics at heart and trying to show us that there's more to it?  i've always had strong love convictions.  i've always been a believer, a love optimist.  but i've also always recognized that my only real picture of love comes from tv and movies n stuff.  so how can i fully trust my idea of love?  i can't.  i have to constantly scrutinize it until i find a reasonable idea of my own.  ...here goes

ok.. let's take this from an analytical standpoint (and keep in mind, youre reading as i am thinking, so.. ya know, be patient.  i haven't thot all this thru yet).  first of all, present anyone with the choice of either being alone or having somebody to love and every one would say they'd want love, right?  thus (or maybe because) love is a positive emotion.  a desirable one.  one that i think completes a person.  i've always thot that humans as a social animal are incomplete alone and my definition of love is finding the other half of you.  finding your compliment to complete you as a person.  [pause]  i still don't feel like im on a path to figuring anything out.  im sorry, i just watched the wedding singer.

ok, what i need to know is one, if love is like it is in the movies and two, do we as normal people have a reasonable chance of finding it (true love could be like in the movies, just exceptionally rare)?  so.. 

GOD!!  this is rediculous!!  heh, im getting absolutely nowhere.  so many times i've sat down to write this.  i always try to sit down and think myself through love, to figure it out and to finally think of something concrete but i never do.  i always just get lost.  i need more experience, that i know.  maybe thats the essence of love right there.  that everybody is different in their definition of love.  one thing anyone will tell you is that no one can tell you what love means to you.  thats for you to decide.  somehow along the way, you have to make up your mind on that.  and.. you know what would make sense?  if finding true love..  meant finding somebody with the same definition of love as you.  think that would be rare?  guess it depends on your definition of love.  it would make sense, tho.  if you met somebody with the same definition of love you have, you would compliment each other.  you would fill in their holes and they yours.

sometimes, i worry that i will be too late.  for the first twenty years of my life i barely even got a taste of love.  that kills me.  i worry sometimes that my devotion to finding my angel will make me miss her entirely.  maybe im looking too hard.  maybe this definition of love i have will eventually contribute to the ruin of my life.  so i guess that's what this is right now.  with that kind of worry, but also that kind of drive to seek out my true love, my angel across whatever distance, whatever time, however many lifetimes it takes, i have to constantly judge my position.  i have to make sure i know what im doing.  constantly trying to reaffirm myself...  but, this feeling for her, this yearning is so strong.. i dont really care.  i dont really care if seeking her out so diligently makes me miserable inside.  it's all i can do, it's all i know.  damn it, i will find her.  however many lifetimes it takes, i will.