it'll be a one-way conversation, but thats better than nothing right now.  seems like whenever i want to talk, im not allowed to.  ah well.  i always have text that no one will ever read.

sometimes, i just dont know.  thats the best way i know to say it.  i just completely, in an all-encompassing way, don't know.  i remember this one time in high school, after years of either wishing i were dead, or living a completely different life somewhere else, i came across this beautiful short blonde girl that was a friend of a friend.  i had probably seen her before, but never talked to her.  one day, she sat close to my friend who was close to me.  nothing big, just enough to make me notice and remember her face.  so later, for no reason at all (its just how i was.  random) i "bumped" her.  just kind of hip tapper her and walked off without a word.  i though it was funny and i forgot about it.  then like 2 days later, the same chic is talking to that friend of mine across the hall, i catch her eye, and she comes and bumps me back and smiles.  and THAT sparked more interest in me than i had felt in quite a while.  so after a few bumps, i start making conversation, etc and SHE gives me HER number!  that was a first.  well..  that's been an only, thus far, heh.  anyway, i call her up and we talked forever.  we go on a first date, hold hands, and then have this beautiful better than movie kiss.  first date.  better than movie kiss.  jesus, its like a stamp that says "right direction".  so we date for a while and i come home every time from her high as a kite.  i finally am glad i am who i am and where and when.  i actually remember thinking that exact thing.  i was happy.  it was her.  then, one time...  goddamn, its so incredibly embarassing.  ive told a few trusted friends (i mainly try to limit knowledge to people that dont know anyone involved.  keeps it from being wierd) to try and make it less so, but it doesnt help.  she and i were riding in the car, on our way back to her place.  she said she wanted to "drive around" and "didn't want to go home yet".  see, this is where my idiocy and naivity shine through like the white smile of an american superhero.  i didnt pick up on that she wanted to find a quiet secluded place.  i curse myself constantly for that.  so, ...i dunno, ill leave out the details.  i eventually take her back, just..  kind of figuring something out, but not really.  and before i leave...  haha, i say something incredibly stupid that i will deny if anyone ever asks.  but, i was so embarassed at that point, i dont think i was thinking straight.  then, the next few days after that event, i think..  things just kind of deteriorated for her.  she still made me very happy, but i was worried about how she felt.  until, one day i saw her in the hall, she passed me a note and gave me back my class ring.  i knew what the letter said.  i read it a few times over, memorized a few parts.  none of it clicked or made any good sense or reason for her to call it off.  but that didnt stop the letter.  i already had it in my hands.  it was kind of a ...slip off the edge.  all those years of wishing for another life than my own..  it all just slowly flooded back.  like an avalanche starts slow.  and i just lost all hope all over again.  its like i didnt even see her when she stood in front of me and tried to talk to me.  when she cried to me.  when i told her i lost her key..  (i will never forget that.  never forgive myself)  so its like the world just didn't matter any more.  i finally saw the whole cherade of amberley and how it really was just a mean trick played on me by an evil source to make me THINK for a while that i could be happy, just to take that away.  i became more numb than i had ever been.  and i think thats a major factor in why i didnt try and remedy anything between the two of us.  i just kind of sadly accepted my fate in a living suicide way.  i considered myself a vegetable.  so nothing mattered.  i regret that volumes more than the night i dropped her off early.  because for the next 2 years i was numb.  numb to everyone and everything around me.  at least to the point where no one could make an impression on me.

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