hey man.  god i wish you were up right now.  ah well..  man, im on such a trip right now, but ..its not a psychotropic trip like you may think after i tell you this minor detail (and it really is just a minor detail), i tried shrooms for the first time tonight.  the body buzz is great, the visuals arent really bad at all.  theyre actually quite scarce.  shrooms are mostly just a body buzz with some kind of mental alteration...  i wrote that really slow, cuz there's not really a good word for how it makes you think.  the mental alteration i say is like an opening up.. an awareness.  basically, in retrospect, it just feels like my mind is truely clear and calm.  and i guess that may just be what it does to me in particular.  it totally slows my mind down and lets me think properly.  really shrooms help me meditate much better, i think.  see, that's the thing i wanted to talk to you about tonight!  the shrooms let my mind wander to an incredible depth.  and its been quite a trip, lol.  but not like a normal trip you would expect to hear from a stoner writing an email, more like a true journey.  i feel completely aware, now.  and the reason i wanted to talk to you was to verify it.  you're about the only other deep thinker i know that i think could even begin to understand and grasp what im trying to get across, lol.  cuz its kinda wild!  heheheh.  see, the way i feel is just so strange, i wanted to talk to you about it, while im high, then later when im for sure not high, rested and completely sober just so i could tell if this is for REAL or not!  i just sit amazed at everything around me.  and its really a deep deeep understanding of everthing.  not just WHERE things are, but WHY they are.  WHAT they are.  it all becomes layers of that thing.  you dont just see the WHERE of the thing any more, you also see its WHY right along with its visual representation (its WHERE).  you see both equally at the same time.  in the same spot in your perspective.  but you also see its WHAT and HOW.  maybe thats it, maybe the reason we have those 5 W's (and an H, heh) are like root examples, representative in the form of language (english), of a deeper truth.  the deeper truth being this awareness i feel right now.  once you see all the layers of something's being, meshed in one (where it is, why it is there, what it is that IS there, how it got there) in the same representation of that thing in your mind, maybe thats this underlying AWAKENESS that all humans are capable of but rarely come to.  like the root of wisdom itself.  perfect awareness.  so, in that sense it's not necessarily enlightenment, itself, but rather a super-heightened awareness of your body, your MIND, your environment, of the whole universe all at once.  like most humans live a one perception life.  and some, very few, but some think really hard, line it out for themselves and pop the bubble.  find a new perception, and once you have your old perception, and you can see this new perception, you have TWO unique completely independent perceptions to compare and contrast.  two ways at looking at the world.  once you have two...  you are able to realize that there must be many perceptions.  so..  that just leads to a flood of knowledge.  how things are and why and everything.  thus this PURE knowledge comes from when youre able to see that if this is the second perception, that is clearly the first.  and this second is different.  thats when you just ...know.  when you slide back into your head and ARE your complete and subtle inner self.  maybe thats been happening since the dawn of human existence as an intelligent species.  some very few people are just popping with knowledge.  they see the new way to look at things and it makes them realize something about how they (as a subtle mind, that is eons old, lived countless lives, is the true essence of life they contain in whatever self they have, ...as a soul) look at things in general.  maybe thats the first thing you look at on your way to complete awareness.  and shortly after complete awareness is nirvana, i think.  so this mystical 2nd step between normal life and nirvana could be represented in the english language as the 5 w's and an H, lol.  as grammar school has helped us remember.  those essentail 6 questions represent all knowledge.  once you have them at once you can be aware.

see why i wanted to talk to you like this?  haha..  so, thats the conclusion i have come to.  ..maybe i havent gotten all the way to this, any who..  drugs seem to be a way to forcefully enduce a second state of perception.  once in that state, if you pay attension, you can quiz yourself on what feelings and sensations make up that perception.  for instance, while high, if i meditated on it, i could see that i have.. symptoms of the mind.  for instance, im less stressed out, all my limbs feel kind of tingly, i laught easily (humor is increased), all these things that make up the process of HOW i feel high.  so, once i use that power to analyze my high, i use it to think about the processes of HOW to feel NORMAL.  you see?  theres like two ways of being, and theyre both unique, both independent (you cant be stoned and sober at the same time), but what you also have to look at is the how.  HOW you have these two beings.  you wouldnt have either of them without a third.  the third being is YOURSELF.  think about it, HOW you feel?  thats something deeper analyzing itself!  the first state is normal, the second one is stoned (and the only way to get out of the ignorant state of normal is by drugs, which leads to stoned), then you realize theres something behind both of them that is thinking.  i think now would be a good time to explain step by step my meditation.

first i sat in a very comfortable position.  lying on the couch looking down my body past my feet at the television.  what i tried to do, once i slowed my breathing and calmed my mind was to concentrate on my PERSPECTIVE.  what my perspective is and why its there.  my perspecive is behind my eyes.  or rather, it IS my eyes.  so, as sort of a visual mantra to help me get deeper into this thinking was to pull my perspective back into my head.  it really helped because i have glasses.  so first i was seeing the tv and the front of the room, then i was seeing all that, but it was like the camera was pulled back so i could now see the rims of my glasses.  so like my perception point actually deepened in my head a little bit (just a mental projection, a visualization you do yourself) so it included my glasses.  then it proceeded further back so it included the rims of my eye sockets.  i just looked around my eyes, kind of tracing where i could see, and where the "black" began.  and i kind of realized, my eyeball is sitting in my eye socket and i can turn it with the will of my mind as far as it will go, but since it is a physical object, fixed in space-time inside my skull, it could only turn so far.  and my mind could force it no further.  so..  after thinking about that and concentrating on it, i kind of became aware of what it looked like to have an eye.  like, i had never had an eye before and i just opened it.  all this time i had one eye closed.  so while i was tracing around my eye socket, i could only see so far to the edge where things blacked out.  once i opened my other eye, it kind of just added to a field of black that i didnt realize was there.  like my perception was sitting a little further back in my head than normal, so i was able to see first "through" my open eye, then when i opened my other, it wasnt like black was being lifted from that previously blank spot to reveal a picture, it was like i had a totally new picture in my head altogether.  like my first eye was seeing one image and it was stored in my head.  but my other eye provided a second image of the same environment, but aimed different from a physically different spot on my head.  PARTS of the two independent images in my head corresponded, overlapped.  so my mind just melded the halves of the images that were the same (in front of my nose) and the unique side images that were left of the circles were just tacked onto that common center image on their respective sides.  with this new way of seeing my eyes, i started to see the rest of my body.  so i wasnt really seeing my body, i was re-examining it from a new way of thinking.  instead of using my eyes to percieve a part of my body (looking at my body), i used my mind to examine it (i thot about how it worked, where it was, why it was).  thats how i explain the thing with my eyes.  i used my MIND to look at my EYES, hahah.  then i realized i could look with my mind in the first place.  so i mind looked at my arm.  it existed, plainly.  it was draped across the pillow at a downward angle, relaxed.  it felt kind of wierd, tho, thinking about my perception as behind my eyes and thinking of where my arm was in relation to that perception.  cuz i had always thot of my arm as ya kno..  below my eyes.  now its like im in a computer game and somebody moves the perspective a little outside my head.  i analyze what my arm feels.  i think about each individual nerve ending in my arm and how its constantly sending signals to my brain about the environment.  i have an entire organ system for the sole purpose of giving feed back to my inner mind, my five senses (i just zoned out thinking about how that may be the true difference between animal and plant and why its ok to eat plants because an object can be alive, but not necessarily contain a sentient being.  the sentient being carrying organisms are set apart by their complex, self-contained organ systems that provide feedback about the surroundings to the mind contained inside and provides control over the physical body of the organism to the point that it can interact with its environment as well.  thus justifying vegetarianism in a buddhist sense).  that organ system also lets me control that arm.  the same nerves that tell me if something has cut my arm, is pressed against it, is hot or cold near it, they let me pick that arm up and move it aside or behind the pillow or across my other shoulder.  so i use them.  i command the nerves in my arm with the will of my mind to move the arm up.. around, just normal arm movements.  but looking at them from a new way.  controling them actively instead of just "moving my arm".  using the will of your mind to spark the nerves in your arm to move the muscles and thusly, the arm itself.  and once you do that, you dont just move it a little and say that feels wierd.  you still have all the control you normally did.  so you can move it really fast, super slow (close to the movement of a clock's minute hand, even), and even super precise.  like it takes to draw and to play guitar.  but when you actually sit back and actively use the nerves in your arm to move the muscles to such seemingly infinite accuracy, you gain a huge appreciation for the evolution of our species.  or of just animals as a form of life, themselves.  we've come VERY VERY far as sentient beings in this kind of body.  a human mind sits using its brain to sense its environment, its body to know what it needs to keep on staying concious, and to move the other parts of its body (the brain is just one part of the body) around in its immediate space.  but it moves its limbs so accurately as to dance perfect ballet, or perform a martial arts kata that it suggests how incredibly long it has taken humans to evolve to this state.  so, once you feel comfortable with this new feeling of awareness of your eyes and arm or other limbs, concentrate that on your whole body.  you start to feel the temperature of materials passing down your throat, you actually sense the bones inside the layers of muscle encapsulated by nerves and veins and whatever else.  you instantly become completely and broadly aware of all of your body.  all the sensations everywhere in your body become clear and aparent in your mind at the exact same time.  in real time.  you feel all constantly, all at once.  you feel your feet inside you shoe, the blood in the large vein in your thigh rushdown toward your calf, your stomach churn the bread, shmirnoff and magic mushrooms you ate earlier.  you feel your heart beat.  all of this, basically for the first time.  with such a heightened awareness of seeing things and your body, you reall are percieving these things for the VERY FIRST TIME, again, lol.  just in this new, aware light.  now.. keep concentrating on that feeling of exploring yourself in this new light, this new way.  once you feel completely confident in your ability to think like that and examine what the thing is, ...expand your minds perspective again.  this time not just further back in your head, examining your body and internal affairs.  but beyond your body entirely.  look around.  here's my example.  i was laying on the couch.  to my left was the front door and a large wall, past my feet was the tv and that wall.  i sort of thought about the wall itself.  how it would look if it werent there at all.  its not that would look wierd, necessarily, because i know exactly whats beyond it.  ive been to this house plenty of times and have the front yard memorized.  plus, the door is open and theres 3 windows, so i can pretty much see whats out there.  so i visualize the wall just NOT THERE.  then i get an appreciation for the wall being there, i can see it clearer.  i see how thick it is, about, what its made of.  how tall it is, why its there, how big that wall is.  where things are behind it, that i cant see from here (yet ive seen before so know are there, not like i have xray vision).  then i looked at the tv.  we were watching the matrix, but i wasnt paying attension to the plot.  instead..  i looked "through" the tv like it was the lens of the camera taping the scene.  like it was right there in front of me.  so, instead of seeing the movie world that was created (like seeing parts of the room in the movie beyond the tv screen) by the plot, i saw 2 actors, sitting in very convincing wardrobe, on a incredibly detailed set.  i gained an appreciation for how far we've come in movies.  how fuckin DETAILED they get with the sets.  from just the color of the actors skin to the rust on the wall, they type of clothes, the condition.  the lighting, the surroundings, everything about movies.  how great it all has gotten recently in history.  but i saw the movie in a truer light.  like the tv was a porthole into a NEWER perception.  just like being normal, just like being high, except now, i have a different perspective.  its a fixed spot (the camera) thats being moved around the environment freely at the will of some unknown director (of the movie).  it has all the elements of a perception.  or as many as a tv can create.  you have the visual and sound which are the most important for the inner mind to grasp a concept or story (movie).  and are just left without and way to control the environment.  youre just along for the ride, basically.

but.. anyway.  just keep that going, keep looking at everything in that new way.  examine it.  thats what im doing still.  i havent stopped since i started my meditation, that being about 4 hours ago.  so, im pretty sure all the drugs have worn off and this is an authentic way one person can be for the rest of their life.  i think im going to try this way for a while, lol.  i just wanted you here to help me test it and i was afraid not to write or talk about it before i go to sleep, for fear of forgetting it like it was all just a dream.

but i do have to sleep.  this body is just too tired.  i dont want to sleep, my mind doesnt.  i could probably stay up for a week right now if i just meditated instead of sleeping, but im not that motivated, lol.  and i want to see if i can sleep all this off and still come back to it later to make sure its not just drugs doing this to my head.  buts it been 7 hours since i took drugs, so thats cool

either way, i wish you were online right now, lol.  cant say i expected you at this late, but oh well.
till we meet

ps.  i sent this to two ppl, but i wrote it as if talking straight to the person reading it, to help better get my point across and communicate with you.