ya know somethin funny?  i just realized that back in the day i was all obsessed with the topic of love, thus amberley would show up in my writing all the time.  so in life i was obsessed with amberley (her being the only chic that far that had shown me any real affection since faith, the VERY first) but in writing i was obsessed with the TOPIC of love.  so its not like i was writing about amberley all the time.  so more than likely, those old writings with amberley all in them still have some validity about what love is n stuff.  i just tried fruitlessly to find something on tv (nothing but damn reality tv dating shows.  FUCK that shit!!  its retarded.  normal people are too normal to be on a tv show.  just not interesting), i called all ...well, all female people i know on campus to see what they were doin.  two weren't home and the other was busy writing a paper.  then i sat n talked to john for like..  a couple minutes about the shit thats goin on right now, but i didnt want to think about that stuff, so i got off the phone.  basically i am MAD bored.  its times like these that just.. stand still almost.  these are the moments i have to deal with in life, where nothing moves.  my only entertainment is the wall until the next thing comes along (which will probably be work, school or jail).  so to distract myself i figured i would write.

dont really expect much from this one.  just a forwarning.  really this is just to keep my mind occupied and keep me from going insane right now.  but ..about jail and everything..  no question the worst part in my mind about it all is that its screwin up my new york plans.  i wanted so bad to go to new york and see lara.  i can deal with taking a semester off to serve time, i can deal with having to go back to pcc and pay for it myself, i can deal with not smoking weed for most of a year to come.  whats tearing me up is that i have to wait THAT MUCH LONGER before i can see her.  and i was especially feelin like dirt as it happened because she had said she was trying to keep things so smooth up there with her parents, school, etc in preparation for me showing up.  she wanted things to be fine when i got there so there would be no hangups.  but here i was smokin in the dorm, getting caught, not even paying mind to the possibility of fucking december all up for the two of us.  but talking to her about it made me feel better.  i always feel better after talking to her.

the greatest thing she said to me was that she's patient and that we'd see each other eventually (somethin kinda funny was that she said to me "and you KNOW you're patient!"  heheh..  i didnt realize that she knew me as well as she does).  ive caught myself getting really wrapped up in the idea of her lately.  i drew a pic of her at work and when somebody asked me who it was i said my girl in new york.  i dunno, she's the closest thing ive had, really.  of all the girls ive ever said "i love you" to, she's the one ive said it to the longest.  this whole ordeal would really be hell without her.  cuz before i started talking to her, i had no real clue what i could do with my life.  i knew i had the capacity to take a good job in the IT industry, i knew i wanted to eventually go to stunt driving school, stuff like that.  but i had no roadmap and nothing i knew had the potential to ever make or keep me happy.  after i started talking to her i actually figured out that i could be happy IN KENTUCKY.  something i never thought possible before.  just as long as we could hang out, smoke, and do whatever.  point is i started figuring out in more detail what i wanted to do after we became friends.  she's something im lucky to have, on whatever level i have her (be that a girlfriend or an instant message buddy alone or whatever's in between).  cuz i dont know what condition my mind would be in right now worryin about jail time and things, without her to just laugh with me and tell me what she'd been into that day and to calm me down without her trying to.

so yeah.. as soon as i get out of jail, ill prolly get a shitty fast food job for a month, get the checks, cash em and make a mad dash to new york as soon as possible, lol.  ill just be too damn anxious i wont be able not to.  plus i doubt ill ever live with my parents again.  they..  i dunno, theyre just so damn sheepish.  and they will never see me as an adult, only as a child thats not doing a great job of becoming one.  dad sent me an email tonight that i just deleted halfway through.  i couldnt stand to read that shit.  besides, when i can just hold down a fast food job, hell two if need be, and keep my own place, fuck living with them anyway.  jesus.  not worth it at all.  i dunno..  i just feel so drained by this semester.  i havent had time to sit and feel like things are going alright yet.  ever since spring before last ive always been trying to catch up.  and now this happens and i have probably another year or more to keep catching up.  who knows where im gonna end up or how far i am.  fuck it...  i guess i have to live.  might as well get on with it.