[desert analogy] i've wandered the sands for so long. there's never anything, just sand. so many worthless grains. sometimes i think i see the same sand; i worry i walk in circles. but it's all i can do, its all i know. i was born here and all i can do i trek these forsaken dunes. all i can do is trek and strain my eyes for you. the desert sun is cruel. my eyes too often decieve me. my only reason to keep on trudging through the sand is to find you. and no matter how sharp the pain is when i realize its not really you, no matter how much i want to believe and no matter how hard it is to control my sobs and pull myself up to continue my trek, it's always nice to see your face. even if it is a mirage. do i see a dune or do i see a palm tree do i see a river or do i see a dry bed do i see your lips or do i watch them kiss do i wait or do i turn [about beauty] scholars and intellects have pondered, scientists have researched, poets have described (they seem to have the best idea) and none have come upon the perfect definition and now, as a human, i am forced to wonder the same question today. what exactly is beauty? is it definite or an opinion? people say beauty changes with time. but they also say theres something underlying. the thing that baffles me and causes the most trouble is the difference between inner and outer beauty and the immense confusion that arises when i find them coupled together. [a letter] i can't wait to see you. it's been so long (never). your soothing eyes, playful lips, euphoric curves and even though each day is closer to the unknown day we meet, it offers no consilation to my longing for you. though nothing can make me forget the pain of your absence (i never want to forget that pain), it is so nice to occasionally smoke out, feel this good and hope youre feeling the same. and for a few seconds, my long trek is over and we're together. [another letter] i feel you thinking about me again. you have wierd timing, actually. i need to sleep, babe. i've got school tomorrow early. but that's okay. i was having this nice thought about a very fun date i hope we have. something to do for mine or your birthday or an anniversary or something. ill borrow dad's truck and take the four wheeler up to the rock flat for a picnic. we'll have whatever you want but a cool idea i had was to get one of those little "just because" cakes and 2 things of milk. that'd be nice. we'd sit there for a while and chat or whatever. just waste time to ourselves, then head on to the firetower to watch the sunset. we probably should bring a blanket (or better yet, that blow up air mattress, but that could take a while to fill up, tho). either way, i would really love to spend a day like that for some special occasion or something. or just as a nice date. i've got to sleep, tho. good night. [about a dream i had about you] i saw Her in a dream. but it was more. i think she must have dreamt me at the same time. me and mom take a car through a wierd toll booth to ohio (a big lot of parked cars, dark gray gravel, old guy in a uniform) im playing soccer with some friends in an odd field in the middle of nowhere (theres just the field, then about 15 feet outside the lines are about 20 foot tall shrub walls, the rest is black, but the field is well lit). its me and Her vs. somebody's dad and maybe tony shiber. we did good until a train barrels across the field. we stop playing (i think she and i were seperated from tony and the dad) and just went seperate ways (she and i left together, i think) at a party afterwards (the place looked like nora's or aunt bea's) we talk and realize both of us already know who we are. we hang out. fun times then go to the "rock house". she had to go to the rock house becuase everybody else was (her ride went i think). i wasnt supposed to go, but i snuck off later and somehow found the rock house and Her (even though i had no clue where the rock house was). she was sitting in the back almost waiting for me (everybody else was sitting towards the front of the cave- like hole in the cliff watching fireworks). i showed up and she freaked out. for some reason, i think chris adkins was with me, but by the time i had found her, he had gone on his own. so we made out towards the back of the 'cave'. eventually we figure out we had met in a dream a long time ago. i remember that dream but i had forgotten it. in this dream she reminded me of the dream we both had from our own respective perspectives. i finally saw Her. she was beautiful, dark hair to her shoulders, skinnier than i had imagined. her body type was similar to katie or haley, but the face was like nikki, melinda and amerbley. in my dream, the making out part was incredibly realistic. i really felt every bit of it and that was the thing that stuck out in my mind when i woke up. i just remember how real that felt, then i remembered the rest of the dream from there. but while making out, that part turned into a dream (within the dream) and i woke up in a room with a bunch of my friends (and curiously a microwave) and some people i didnt know. they were video taping me (i was somehow naked and must have been motioning out the dream) so i ran over and hit the stop eject button and took the tape then ran out covering myself. but the odd part was, i wasnt really embarassed because i was so overcome with the joy of finally getting to see her and be with her, dream or not. it was an incredible feeling of happiness and satisfaction. thats how i felt when i woke up. i was just so amazed and grateful to have spent a little bit of time with her.